The Parable of the Scarecrow

Image by Screamenteagle from Pixabay

I recently finished a book called "The Wealthy Gardener" by John Soforic and I love one of the stories in the book called "The Parable of the Scarecrow".

The story goes that there was once a scarecrow who had a brain, heart and the ability to walk.  Sounds like the one in The Wizard of Oz but no, this is a different scarecrow. :) 

Anyway, for several years after the scarecrow was planted, he acted like all other scarecrows - he stayed motionless even if he had the ability to walk.  Eventually, the crows lost their fear of the scarecrow.  

One day, there was a crow that perched on the arm of the scarecrow and it took a peck at one of his straws and flew away with it.   The following day, the same crow did the same thing - he took a peck at the scarecrow and took another straw.  

The scarecrow started to feel he was weakening.  He felt vulnerable, he was worried, there was fear of survival.  He also sensed a strange pull to leave the field (he could walk after all) but he felt uncertain about walking into the unknown.  He decided to stay in his steady position coz he was a scarecrow after all and it was just logical for him to act like one.  

But each day, crows continued to peck at him, taking straws.  Day after day, he died a slow death.  Despite of all the worries, fears and the inner voice telling him to leave the field, he chose to stay and ignored his thoughts and feelings. Until, one day, the pecking felt normal.  And until one day, the crows took his last straw and he slumped forward lifeless.  The scarecrow never got to use his innate abilities. 😢

Such a sad story but here's the moral of the story so we could learn from the scarecrow -

The fears, emotions, the strange pull to do something was the scarecrows's inner wisdom urging him to do something.  

Soforic shares - Fear, boredom, worry, dread are an emotional guidance system that is screaming at us to change. If we fail to listen, the inner voice will slowly fade...Whenever you feel stressed, anxious, worried or uneasy about any part of your life, it’s nature’s way of telling you that something is wrong. It’s a message that there is something that you need to address or deal with. There is something that you need to do more or less of. There’s something that you need to get into or out of... 

The challenge is it all leads into the unknown. We don't always get to see the end destination when we choose our direction. Sometimes a feeling is all you have to guide the way...  It’s not easy to follow the heart but sometimes we must.  Since the eyes cant always see what the heart can hear, it sometimes wisest to close our eyes.

Of course, we need to discern when it's plain emotion versus inner wisdom nudging us to make sure we don't act impulsively. 😉

The Navy SEALs' secret to Grit

Navy SEAL Special Warfare Insignia or the Trident Pin

Grit is commonly defined as courage, determination or toughness but while reading Barking up the Wrong Tree by Eric Barker, it exposed me to a whole new level of grit - the grit of Navy SEALs.

Before one earns that highly rare Navy SEAL trident pin, one has to pass tests for mental ability, ability to learn, mental toughness and resilience and unimaginable physical tests.  How unimaginable?  During what they call the hell week of BUD/S (Basic Underwater Demolition/SEAL),  trainees have to endure 110 hours without sleep, carry a log over one's head for hours and get passing scores for a 500-yard swim and 1.5-mile run, among many others.

Then there's the pool competency test - you're underwater in scuba gear and the instructor yanks the regulator from your mouth and ties your air house in knots, and antagonizes you relentlessly as you struggle for air.  Your brain is screaming - you’re going to die. 

How can you even think straight if you're running out of oxygen, right? 😭 But in order for you to pass, you must follow the correct procedures and be able to put your equipment back in proper order while the instructor continues to put it in the wrong state! Waaa...   And the purpose of the exercise is that it  simulates what a SEAL might deal with when facing the wild undercurrent of the ocean.

BUD/S are given 4 tries to pass full competency. Less than 20% can pass this test the first time. And after all the 4 attempts, more often than not, only a single digit percentage pass.  In the example in the book, only 6% earned the Navy SEAL trident pin or the Special Warfare Insignia. 😱

The kind of grit Navy SEALs have is just mind-blowing, right?  Even their abilities are mind-blowing... they sound like real-life superpowers to me.💪

So what can commoners like us learn from the Navy SEALS? What do people with grit like this have that makes them keep going when it gets tough?  Positive self-talk.

The book says that in our head, we say between 300 words to 1,000 words per minute to ourselves. They can be positive like I can do it, or negative like I can’t take this anymore.  It turns out when these words are positive, they have a huge effect on one's mental toughness and one's ability to keep going.  The book cites that when the Navy started teaching BUD/S applicants to speak to themselves positively combined with other mental tools, BUD/S passing rate increased by nearly 10%.  Getting through BUD/S is a lot of physical hardship but quitting is mental, Barker said.

There you go - at least we are capable of doing one thing which Navy SEALs are gifted in - that of positive self-talk to develop grit. 😜 

Life Skills which kids need to develop to survive in the real world

I get shocked when I hear about the summer schedules of my friends' kids.  Ballet and swimming classes on Monday, reading and karate classes on Tuesday, math and golf lessons on Wednesday...  The daily schedules of kids are so packed!  What ever happened to having free time in summer??? 😬 Times have really changed!

When I was a kid, summer meant freedom - lots of free time to play and to be idle.  I could sleep longer in the morning (provided I made my bed) and do whatever activities at home (play, watch tv, read, do arts & crafts activities using improvised materials like fabric swatches, scrap papers, etc.).  We were also made to do some household chores even if there was house help.  In the afternoon, after merienda time (and usually after we have memorized prayers which my mom wanted us to memorize! 😅), we played street games with our neighbors or go biking around the village.  Lots of free, unstructured time. 

During school season, we were not allowed to watch tv (except on weekends) and I did my own homework and rarely asked my parents for help (this was at a time when there was no internet yet).  I was also never pressured by my parents to make it to the honor roll.  As long as I was doing my best, they said it was ok (though on hindsight, I didn't really give my best all the time coz sleep was more important for me so there were lots of times I submitted mediocre homeworks! 😬).   But I would like to think that I grew up ok.  I got by and survived when it was time for me to be alone in the real world.

After reading "How to Raise an Adult:  Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare your Kid for Success" by Julie Lythcott-Haims, I realized that there is great value to the free, unstructured time I enjoyed as a kid, the chores I was made to do even if I felt they were such a burden and waste of time coz it's time away from playing 🙈, and the independence I was given to manage my own schoolwork.

According to the book -   

If from the time you’re born, your options are dictated for you and all your decisions are made for u and then you are cast out into the world to go to college, its like a country under colonial rule. It falls apart when it gains independence. They get to college and don't know why they are there or ought to be doing there. They are lost.  

When parents do the life stuff for kids - waking up, transporting, reminding deadlines and obligations, bill-paying, question-asking, decision-making, the responsibility-taking, talking to strangers, confronting of authorities, kids may be quite in for a shock when parents turn them loose in a world of college or work. They will experience setbacks which would feel to them like a failure.  They wouldn’t be good at that coz they haven’t had much practice at failure. How do they cope with - 

• room mate who has a different sense of clean?  
• a professor who wants the paper revised but not necessarily say what is wrong? 
• a friend who isn’t being friendly anymore?
• a choice between doing summer seminar or service project?
• have real difficulty handling disagreement, hurt feelings, decision-making process?

The author quoted a certain Dr Abel who said “When children aren’t given the space to struggle through things on their own, they don’t learn how to problem-solve very well, they don’t  learn to be confident with their own abilities and can affect their self-esteem.  The other problem with never having to struggle is you never experience failure and can develop an overwhelming fear of failure or of disappointing others. Both a low self-confidence and the fear of failure can lead to depression or anxiety.

No wonder there is a higher incidence of depression and anxiety among kids nowadays.  During my generation, this is unheard of.  I have never heard of any cases of depression nor suicide attempts.  At the most, you'll have one or 2 classmates who would be sad or you'll find crying but they wouldn't keep the reason for their sadness to themselves. They would tell their closest friends why they are sad like their parents are separating or have separated, or a parent is leaving to work overseas.   It was also rare for any of us to go to the guidance counsellor.

BTW,  I'm not married nor am I a parent but I listened to this audiobook coz I like talking to kids and I have a lot of inaanaks (godchildren).  Twenty-nine of them. 😅 But if you're a parent, this book offers really good advice.  The author, Lythcott-Haims, was Dean of Freshmen and Undergraduate Advising for more than a decade at Stanford University so she has seen a lot of the struggles of young adults as a result of overparenting.   And the stories are really heart-breaking because you know that parents only have the best intentions for their kids but sadly, what they thought was the best for their kids was also what broke their kids' spirits, paralyzed them and suck out the joy from their lives, and sometimes, even caused them to commit suicides.

Anyway, here are the key takeaways for parents from the book -

To know if you might be overparenting and unwittingly causing psychologically harm to your kids, ask these questions:

1. Are you doing for your kids what they can already do for themselves?
2. Are you doing for your kids what they can almost do for themselves?
3. Is your parenting behavior motivated by your ego?

The book says if you are doing one of these ways, you deprive kids of the opportunity to be creative, problem-solve, to develop coping skills, build resilience, to figure out what makes them happy, to figure who they are.  They may result to short term gains but it's also like telling your kid this - "Kid, you can't actually do any of these without me."

Life Skills your kids should learn by age category

Age 2 to 3 - Age when your kids have to start learning life skills
- Do small chores and basic grooming

Age 3 
- Should be able to help put toys away

- Dress himself with some help from you

- Put used clothes in hamper when he undresses

- Clears his plate after meals

- Assist in setting the table

- Brush his teeth and wash face with assistance

Ages 4 to 5

- Know her full name, address and phone number

- Know how to make an emergency call

- Perform simple cleaning chores e.g dusting, clearing table after meals

- Feed pets

- Identify monetary denominations and basic concept of how money is used

- How to brush teeth, comb hair and wash face without assistance

- Help with basic laundry chores e.g. bringing dirty clothes to laundry area

Choose own clothes to wear

Age 6 to 7

- Help cook meals 
- Learn how to mix, stir and cut 
- Make basic meal like sandwich
- Help put groceries away
- Wash dishes
- Straighten bathroom after using it
- Make bed without assistance
- Bathe unsupervised

Age 8 to 9

- Fold clothes

- Learn simple sewing

- Care for outdoor toys such as bikes

- Take care of personal hygiene without being told to do so

- Use broom and dustpan properly

- Follow a recipe and prepare a simple meal

- Prepare grocery list

- Count and make change

- Take written phone messages

- Weeding and watering plants

- Take out trash

Age 10 to 13 - Age of gaining independence

- Stay home alone

- Go to store alone and make purchases by himself

- Change own bedsheet

- Use washing machine and dryer

- Prepare meal with several ingredients

- Use stove to boil and bake foods

Read food labels

Iron clothes

Look after younger siblings

Age 14 yo 18
- Perform more sophisticated cleaning and maintenance chores - cleaning stove, unclogging drains
- Put gas in car
- Change tire
- Read and understand med labels and dosages
- Interview and get a job
- Prepare and cook meal

Young adults - Age of preparing to live on his own
- Make regular and dentist appointments and other health-related appointments
- Have basic understanding of finances and manage bank acct, balance checkbook, pay bills, use credit contract
- Understand simple contracts like apartment lease, car lease
- Schedule oil change and car maintenance

And if you have children who are about to become young adults, here are the list of the most important life skills you need to help them develop so they would be able to cope well when they are out in the real world:

1. Must be able to talk to strangers, deans, faculty, landlords, mechanics bank tellers, bus drivers, etc. The problem is parents tell kids not to talk to strangers.  Parents should teach them how to discern good strangers from the bad ones. 

2. Must be able to find his way around campus, town, city where he is interning and studying. The problem is parents keep driving them.

3. Must be able to manage his own assignments and workload and deadlines.  Parents remind kids about when the homeworks are due and when to do it. Sometimes parents help them do it and sometimes they even do it for them.  The result?  Kids don't know how to prioritize tasks and manage workload and meet regular deadlines without reminders.

4. Must be able to contribute to the running of a household.   The problem is parents don't ask them to help run the household.

5.  Must be able to handle interpersonal problems.  The problem is parents step in to solve misunderstandings and soothe hurt feelings for them, thus, kids don’t know how to cope with and resolve conflicts without the parents' intervention.

6. Must be able to cope with ups and downs of courses and workloads, competition, tough teachers, and bosses.  The problem is parents step in when it gets hard, finish the task, extend the deadline and talk to the adults.  Kids don’t know that in the normal course of life, things wont always go their way and that they’ll be ok regardless.

7. Must earn and manage money.  The problem is kids receive money from parents for whatever they want and need, thus, they don’t develop a sense of responsibility for completing job tasks, accountability to a boss who doesn’t inherently love them, or appreciation for the cost of goods and how to manage money.

8. Must be able to take risks.  The problem is parents have laid out the entire path and have prevented all pitfalls thus kids don't develop to understand consequences, hindering them from developing resilience and grit.

Enrichment classes in academics, sports lessons and talent development classes are all good for a kid's future but life skills are also equally important if you want kids to successfully get through life's problems, challenges, difficult people and failures on their own.   

The Sun Does Shine: Lessons from an Innocent Man Wrongfully Convicted for 30 years

Have you read the story “God Sees the Truth but Waits” by Leo Tolstoy?    It is fiction but still heartbreaking because you know it could actually happen to someone in real life.  Then I came across a real life story similar to Aksionov’s fate in Tolstoy’s story - that of the story of Anthony Ray Hinton.  

In 1985, at age 29, Hinton was convicted for two murders.  He was an innocent man sentenced to death for crimes he did not commit. 

When the murders happened, Hinton had been working in a locked warehouse 15 miles away.  But as soon as he was arrested by the police, everything worked against his favor.  He wasn’t given a good defense lawyer, the forensic examiner hired by his lawyer was not that credible (though he knew that the bullets in Hinton’s gun didn’t match those that were found in the two crimes, he only had one eye and so his credibility got attacked during the hearing especially after admitting that he had trouble operating a microscope), and the judge and both of the prosecutors were all white and Hinton was black.  

It didn’t matter to the jury that there were no fingerprints or eyewitness testimony.  The testimony of Hinton's boss, who testified that Hinton was at work at the time of the alleged crimes, was also disregarded by the jury.  All lie detector tests which consistently showed Hinton was telling the truth were also  disregarded.  The prosecution's only evidence at the trial was a statement that ballistics tests showed 4 crime scene bullets matched Hinton's mother's gun (but it wasn’t the case as the gun was never fired in the last 25 years and the bullets didn’t match with the crimes based on the forensic examiner whose credibility was dislodged).  Hinton still ended up being convicted for the two murders and he was sentenced to death.

In Ray Hinton’s book, The Sun Does Shine, he tells his life story - recounting his innermost thoughts, feelings and fears throughout the 30-year ordeal until he was proven innocent.  It’s amazing how he was able to keep his sanity for 30 years but of course, it wasn’t easy at all.  For the first 3 years in prison, he didn’t talk.  It was as if he lost his vocal chords, he recalled.  He couldn’t believe what had happened to him.  He also didn’t want to make any friends in prison.  It was as if life was sucked out of him.

Then one evening, he heard the person next to his cell wailing.  Everyone in their cells could hear the wailing but no one dared to speak.  For the first time in 3 years, Hinton said he finally spoke.  He asked “Is something wrong over there?".  At first, the other person didn't answer. Then he eventually answered and shared that his mom had passed away.  Hinton said he was very sorry (he was very close to his mom too). Then later on, Hinton started telling anecdotes about his mom and the other person started sharing his own too, and they started laughing a little.  The other prisoners laughed with them too.  From that day on, Hinton realized that all of them in death row were humans after all and it was human nature to reach out.  That’s when he started to make friends. 

Hinton even made friends with a white man named Henry Hays who was KKK and was convicted for killing a black man. Henry’s father was a Klan leader who got upset that a black man had not been convicted of killing a white man, and so he ordered his son, Henry, and other Klansmen to kill the first black man they came across. Henry was convicted for that.  

Hinton’s empathy for Henry is very admirable considering Henry was KKK and was raised to hate black people.  He shared: 

Henry had been taught to hate all his life. He didn't know any different. Me and some of the other blacks there didn't judge him, since everyone on death row was accused of killing somebody. I was there for something I didn't do. I didn't know whether he'd done it or not. 

In an interview with Oprah, when Oprah asked Hinton if he ever asked Henry if he did it or not, Hinton simply replied - That was between him and his God. 

Hinton further shared that -

Death row was the only place where I never witnessed racism. We all went to bed with a death sentence on our heads and woke up that way. We had to become each other's support system. 

He shares that on the night of one’s execution, you would be asked of two things: What do you want for your last meal, and do you have anything you want to say?  

When Henry was eventually executed, Hinton was told that Henry’s last words were -

 All my life, everyone told me to hate. The people I was taught to hate taught me to love. As I leave this world, I leave knowing what love feels like.

That made me cry.😢  I don’t know the details of Henry’s life but just with those few words, I got a glimpse of his entire lifetime.

Other than being friends with one another, the death row inmates  also became friends with the wardens who took care of their daily needs. But what’s difficult to reconcile, Hinton said, was that every Thursday, which was the execution day, the wardens are the very same people who would end your life - they are your death squad.  In as much as it was difficult for the one being executed, I am sure that it was equally difficult too for the executioners.  

But a lot of his death row inmates also committed suicide before their execution dates by cutting their wrists or hanging themselves in their cells.  So how did Hinton able to hold it up for 30 years?   It was because of the love, devotion and support of his mom and his bestfriend, Lester Bailey. They were the top 2 people who kept him going.  There are so many tear-jerking and heartbreaking moments between him and his mom in the book. Unfortunately, his mom passed away in 2002.  Hinton was so devastated that he even thought of killing himself but he quickly recovered as soon as he realized that knowing his mom, she would not want him to quit the fight.  As for his bestfriend, Lester, he never failed to see Hinton every single month during visiting day in all of 30 years.  How is that for a bestfriend?!

As to what kept Hinton’s sanity for 30 years was his imagination.  He would imagine a lot of things - that he’s right at home with his mom, that he’s married to xx celebrity, that he was traveling and visiting places, that he was playing in the World Cup... Though confined in his tiny cell, he could go to places and be whatever he wants to be with the use of his imagination.  He wanted the other guys to have their minds preoccupied too instead of just thinking about their pending execution and so one day, he proposed to the wardens to have a book club inside the prison.  He shared:

We were all slowly dying from our own fear—our minds killing us quicker than the State of Alabama ever could. Men would do all kinds of crazy things rather than spend another night with their own thoughts. Bring in the books, I thought. Let every man on the row have a week away, inside the world of a book. I knew if the mind could open, the heart would follow.

To cut the story short, how did Hinton get a chance at proving his innocence? Thanks to good people like lawyer, Bryan Stevenson, from Equal Justice Initiative (EJI).  EJI introduced evidence from three forensics experts, including one from FBI, showing that the bullets from the crime scenes did not match Hinton's mother's gun. But the state court of Alabama refused to overturn his convictions or grant a new trial.   Stevenson then elevated the case to the US Supreme Court in 2014.  Hinton’s conviction was overturned and the state dropped all charges against him as prosecutors admitted that they could not match four bullets found at the crime scene with Hinton's gun which was the only evidence offered in the original murder trial.  But this wasn’t an easy journey.  All of these took 16 years of hard work from Stevenson and the EJI. 

Hinton finally got released on a Good Friday in 2015 and it was his bestfriend, Lester, who picked him up.  What was the first thing Hinton wanted to do as a free man?  To visit the tomb of his mom. 😢

For some comic relief, there were some funny anecdotes on the day Hinton got released.  One was as his bestrfriend was driving the car, a voice suddenly said - Turn right.   Hinton jumped out of surprise and asked Lester where was he hiding the white girl talking inside his car. Lester had to explain GPS technology (which didn’t exist 30 years ago).  Lester even had to pull over the car so they could recover from laughter.  Then the other funny incident was when they had buffet lunch in a restaurant before heading home and Hinton saw Lester hand over a plastic card to the staff but didn’t give any cash.  He realized that he didn’t have any cash to pay for his food too.  He was so scared that he might be brought back to jail again on his first day of freedom for not being able to pay for his food. Then Lester explained the concept of credit card and both had a good laugh again.  The world has changed a lot in 30 years, he said.

Another moment in Hinton’s life which moved me was when he recounted the first time rainwater touched his skin.  He cried. He has never felt rainwater for 30 years. 😢  He also had to re-learn how to use a fork since he hasn’t used one in 30 years as they were only allowed to use plastic spoons in the penitentiary.   And here we are taking for granted all the things we see, feel, hear, taste and touch when there are people out there who don’t get to enjoy any of these or are confined in a 6 x 8 ft room, 24 x 7.😢  

When Oprah in an interview asked him - Do you spend a lot of time thinking about what you lost?  Hinton answered -

Sometimes, especially when I think about the years I lost with my mother. I wish I could have been there to give her some cold water when she was sick, or make her some soup and feed it to her, like she would've done for me. I didn't get to say goodbye. 

Here was a man who lost 30 years of his active life, the most prime of his years.  He was arrested at age 29 and by the time he got out of prison, he was 59.  Note that he didn’t say anything about opportunity losses or what he might have become, but only the lost years with his mom.  

I remember another story of a prisoner I read last year who escaped from prison to be with his sick parent. After some time, he got caught and so more years got added to his sentence. Much later on, his parent’s condition further worsened so he escaped again but more years got added to his sentence when he got caught again.  All in all, his sentence got doubled (forgot the exact number of years but I think it was about a total of 20 years) but when he got out of prison and got asked if he ever regretted escaping twice which resulted to spending double time in prison, he said no because the extra years in prison were worth it as he was able to be with his parents when they needed him the most, he explained. 😢

Anyway, so much for all these heart-wreching stories.  

Hinton is the 152nd person exonerated from death row since 1973, the second in 2015, and the sixth in Alabama.  This just goes to show that there are a number of innocent people who are convicted for crimes they did not commit.  I just hope that like Hinton, they would also have the will to survive, have supportive family members and a Lester in their life, get access to a great and kind lawyer like Stevenson and a non-profit organization like EJI, and that hopefully, someday, the sun would shine on them too.  But in the meantime that the sun doesn’t shine yet wherever they are, I hope they find some kind of solace in the fact that no matter, God sees and knows the truth.  

Interesting Death Rituals from around the World

I know the topic of death is morbid but call me weird, but I like to read books about mortality.  As they say, the more you face mortality, the more you appreciate life.  In fact, I remember reading before that a common denominator among those who make it to the list of happiest places on earth think about death everyday such as the Bhutanese.   Yes, ironically, thinking about death everyday could have positive effects.  Knowing that you have limited time on earth which could just end any time without warning makes you value your life better and treat time preciously.  Maybe this is also one of the reasons why I never get bored or lonely. 😜

My latest read that is mortality-related is about death rituals in various parts of the world.  In our spot on earth, our practice is to place the dead body in a glass-covered coffin, have a wake for a few days, and bury the dead in the cemetery.  In the last few years, cremation has also become more common.  But these two are nothing compared to what I learned from the book “From Here to Eternity” by Caitlin Doughty.  The rituals got me so curious that I ended up researching online and reading more about some of the individual rituals.  Sharing with you those I found really interesting.

Toraja, Indonesia

In Toraja, Indonesia, between the period of death and funeral, the body is kept at home and this period could take several months or even several years.😱    During this period, they also consider the person only sick and not yet dead.  

While at home, the family cares for and mummifies the body.  The family members bring food to the corpse daily, change the clothes and they speak to the body as if the person were still alive.  Speaking to a corpse is a way for them to stay connected.  

The Torajan guide who accompanied Doughty for example, shared that his dead grandfather stayed in their house for 7 years before he got buried.😱   And guess what?  He and his brother slept with the dead corpse of their grandfather on the same bed.  In the morning, they put his clothes on and stood him up against the wall.  Every night, they laid him on their bed.  

The Torajans also have a ceremony held every few years (every 3 years I think) called ma’nene’ (ma-ne-ney) wherein they take out the mummified bodies of their dead from tombs, clean them, change their clothes, serve them food and give them things which the person liked when he/she was still alive e.g. if the dead person used to smoke when he/she was still alive, they would stick a cigarette on the corpse’s mouth during the ma’nene’.

Again, their practices sound really strange to most of us but when you hear the stories of the Torajans, such ritual greatly helps them in dealing with the loss of a loved one especially when the death is unexpected.  When I researched online and saw some photos, you could truly see the love, joy and pride the Torajans have for their loved ones’ corpses. 

Barcelona, Spain

In Barcelona, Spain, the rituals are somehow similar to ours because they also hold wakes (or maybe we got the concept of wake from them having been under Spanish colonization).  Anyway, for their wake, they have 2 options:

(1) Spanish style viewing wherein they display their loved ones in a coffin surrounded by flowers behind one large pane of glass (like a department store display window); and 

(2) Catalan style wherein they slide the open coffin into a Snow White display case in the center of the room.

For either setup, they maintain a steady temperature around the body of 0 to 6 degrees Celsius because the bodies are not usually embalmed as they are buried within 24 hrs.   And because corpses are not embalmed, decomposition time is faster, thus, ground graves and mausoleums in Spanish cemeteries are usually for lease for a minimum of 5 years  (which is roughly the decomposition time vs embalmed bodies which take about 20 years' transition time).  Then when the corpse has decayed down to bones, it is transferred to a communal pit so the vacated tomb can be reused by newer corpses.  That's what you call grave recycling.  What a nice concept.

Nepal, Tibet

The ritual in Tibet for me is the most unusual.  It made me cringe the first time I heard about it.  But once you try to understand their underlying belief, it does make sense.  

When a Tibetan dies, the family lights butter lamps and monks pray over the body. Come funeral day (usually 3 to 5 days following the death), the family and relatives stay at home to pray and they do not attend the funeral.  Instead, it is the villagers who bring the dead body to a sky burial site via horse or a car.  

Once they reach the sky burial site, the master of the ceremony performs a ritual over the body, burns incense and tsampa (roasted flour) to summon the vultures, then proceeds to chop the body in smaller pieces. 😱  The vultures feast on the dead remains.   If the vultures consume the entire body, it’s a good sign as it means the person is good and did good deeds while he/she was still alive. 

Chopping the body of a loved one - even if it is lifeless - is something unthinkable and shocking for us but Tibetans believe that the corpse is nothing but a discarded shell, and the spirit of the deceased has already moved on.  They consider offering bodies to vultures as the last great and honorable thing to do - a way to offer your life back to earth.  

Tokyo, Japan

The Japanese are well-known for being one of the longest-living in the world. But since Japan has a shrinking young population, there are 70 year olds taking care of their 90 yr old family members, and there are a lot of the elderly who also live alone.  Because of this, the Japanese has a term called kodokushi which means lonely death or a phenomenon of people dying alone and remaining undiscovered for a long period of time.  Sometimes it takes weeks or months before dead bodies are discovered in their homes.   The first kodokushi which became national news in Japan was in 2000 when an old man was discovered 3 years after this death, and only because payments for his monthly rent and utilities stopped because the savings account from where his payments got auto-debited reached zero balance.   Can you just imagine if his savings were bigger and lasted for several more years to cover his rent and utilities?  

In Japan, 99.99% opt for cremation, which is one of the highest cremation penetration in the world.  Because of this, there is waiting time before a body can be scheduled for cremation.  It could take a week or more before it can be cremated especially in urban areas.  So bodies are usually refrigerated in morgues but since there are very limited hours to visit the morgue and it’s not a proper place to mourn, the Japanese have so-called corpse hotels.  In the book, the author visited a hotel called Last Tel - short for last hotel - where corpses are refrigerated and at any time you want to spend time with the body of your loved one, you can rent a room.

Now for their cremation process, what’s different with theirs is they don’t pulverize the bones.  Instead, family members are handed chopsticks - one wood and one metal chopstick.   The chief mourner begins by picking up bones starting with the feet and put them into the urn.  Other members join and continue up the skeleton.  If the skull can’t fit intact, the cremator might help break it up into smaller pieces by using metal chopsticks. The horsheshoe shaped bone in the jaw is placed in the urn last.  Excess ash can be brought home or left with the cremator to be collected by ash collectors and buried in cherry groves up in the mountains.

As for Japanese burial places, they are so hi-tech.  In one place where the author went, visitors have a card with a chip and when scanned at the entrance, all Little Buddhas of tombs light up in blue except for the visitor’s tomb which lights up in white so it can be easily spotted.   With a click of a button in the master control, there could also be a light show depending on the season or occasion. And with another click, all little Buddhas of those celebrating their birthdays or death anniversaries could also light up. Amazing. 

Then, the Japanese have also indoor cemeteries where there are pods with a traditional granite gravestone, complete with fresh flowers and incense.  How is it different from the cemeteries we know other than being indoor?   The gravestone in each pod has a rectangular hole.  When u swipe your card, a robot behind the wall will retrieve the urn of your loved one and the tombstone bearing your loved one’s name will appear in the rectangular hole of the gravestone.  How hi-tech, practical and space-saving.

Most of the rituals may sound really bizarre for some of us but even if each culture has different beliefs surrounding life and death, there is one thing in common - it’s never easy to cope with the loss of a loved one.  

Why we shouldn't be scared to lose old photographs, diaries and some memories

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When it comes to material things, I consider old photographs, journals, and even flash drives and memory cards as the most important items I am most afraid to lose coz they are the last remaining physical proof of our memories with loved ones (unless of course you have backup files on the cloud).  This is true for me - not just at full consciousness, but even at the sub-conscious level as manifested in a dream.  😅

But I read something in "Goodbye, Things" by Fumio Sasaki which made me rethink tabout this fear of losing such sentimental treasures.   The message which struck me wasn't actually by Sasaki but from another Japanese author named Tetsuya who has a book entitled "The Man who do not Possess" (but I think the book is in Japanese coz I tried googling for it and I couldn't find it).  Anyway, Sasaki quoted Tetsuya and it goes:

I don't think there is any relationship between our past and photographs, records and diaries. Even if we were to throw our record and diaries filled with photos of memorable moments, the past continues to exist in our memories. I don't think it's such a big deal to throw away objects.... it is not as if we’re throwing away our past. If we forget a certain memory, then it’s probably something alright for us to forget . . . something unnecessary. All the important memories that are inside us will naturally remain.  It’s the memories we can recall without the aid of objects that are truly important. 

What a beautiful insight, right?  So if one day, we unexpectedly lose our precious photographs, diaries and memory drives, yes, it's going to be really sad but it will be ok coz we still have the memories.  But if eventually we forget some memories, it's still ok coz maybe the reason why those memories didn't stick is because they weren't memorable enough.  In the end, whatever memories remain with us are the most important ones. 😊 

Wait, What? Life's 5 Important Questions

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When I first saw the title of the book "Wait, What? and other Life's Essential Questions", I thought that this is perhaps one of the typical books which asks deep questions about life that you need to answer as an exercise. It so happened I wasn't in the mood to reflect and answer any questions so I almost didn't buy it.😆  But then, I saw the author's name - James Ryan, Dean of Harvard’s Graduate School of Education and so I continued to check the book info and read some reviews. I found out that the original content came from a speech Ryan gave to a graduating class in 2016 but which was converted into a book after his speech went viral. At that point, I was so curious about the questions already! 😂  I clicked on "buy now". 😂

And I am so glad I did coz the questions weren't the typical questions you need to answer. 😅  But more of a frame of mind you could use to clarify, generate solutions and insights, and make decisions. Plus Ryan's story about his adoptive parents and biological mom was so moving. It activated my tear ducts. 🙈   He didn't have plans to ever search for his biological mom but the idea to search for her was triggered by one of the questions.

Curious to know what are the questions? Here are Ryan's 5 Life's Essential Questions:

1. Wait, What?

You ask this to ask the other person to repeat he/she just said to be sure you clearly understood it right. This allows you to clarify something, slow down and not jump into conclusions and make quick judgments.

2. I wonder why...? I wonder if...

Asking "I wonder why..." helps you to stay curious and discover new insights. Asking "I wonder if..." helps you to explore new ideas, solutions and options. This is the question which triggered Ryan to search for his biological mom.

3. Couldn’t we at least ...?

Asking "Couldn't we at least..." helps you get un-stuck when you think you're not progressing and also helps you overcome fear when you want to try something new. Asking "Couldn’t we at least agree" also generates consensus within a group.

4. How Can I Help?

Asking someone how you can help him/her is about showing sympathy and empathy. Instead of immediately getting into action to help, it's better to ask the person first what kind of help he/she needs. Why? Coz there are times when all a person needs is to be heard and nothing more. So asking this question is an opportunity to know what the other person truly needs.

5. What Truly Matters?

Asking yourself "What truly matters" reminds you of the most important things in life so you don't get drowned by the loudest but meaningless and insignificant aspects of life. So this is the question to ask yourself when making big decisions in life. This would help you assess if what you're considering is in sync with what truly matters in your life. It makes it easier then to answer with a yes or no.

At the end of the book, Ryan gave a bonus question which he got from a poem that says:

“And did you get what you wanted from life, even so?”

At the onset, you would think it's a question that you should ask towards the end of your life but Ryan said that it's a question that you should ask even today. This question forces you to reflect if you are satisfied with how your life has turned out/turning out to be. And if you're not, the good news is there's still time to make some changes.

Lessons from the Swedes - lagom, fika and enjoying the simple things in life

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It's fascinating to learn about other cultures. It's a pleasant surprise if you see some similarities with your own but a greater surprise if you discover something unique.

Take for example the Swedish word lagom which I learned from the book Lagom: Not Too Little, Not Too Much: The Swedish Art of Living a Balanced, Happy Life by Niki Brantmark.   In the Filipino language, we have a similar term called "sakto" but I don't think it has ever been used to describe a balanced life. I guess because sakto refers more to achieving the minimum level required rather than a certain level of satisfaction. But then again, I am not a language expert so I could be wrong.🙊      

In Swedish, lagom is often loosely translated as everything moderation or finding a balance that works for you.   Guess where it originated?  From the Vikings.  According to the book, lagom is rooted in the term laget om (around the team). It is said a bowl or horn of mead (alcoholic beverage created by fermenting honey with water) would be passed in a circle, and it was important that everyone only sipped their ‘fair share’ so there was enough to go round.  So lagom is also closely linked to working together for the collective good, fairness and equality.   Such a nice concept, right?

You can use lagom to describe anything that seems right for you. You can refer to water as lagom water if the temperature of the water is right for you.  You can refer to your pants as lagom pants if they fit you well.  So it's lagom <any thing> so long it's "just right".

What other interesting things did I learn about the Swedish culture from the book?

The author shared that living in Sweden reminded her that one doesn’t have to spend a lot to have a magical holiday because Swedish summer holiday is about taking time out and going back to basics to enjoy the simple things in life – whether that’s simply hanging out at home or heading to a small, basic summer cottage by the sea or deep in the heart of the countryside, to enjoy reading, baking, bathing, board games, crafting or simply hanging out with friends and family and drinking in as much sunlight as possible before the autumn leaves start to fall.

I hang out at home most of the time, I enjoy the simple things in life everyday and I read everyday - not a lot of people don't understand why I enjoy all of these so much but good to know that somewhere across the globe, such activities are treasured.  I am officially on a magical holiday year-round! 😂

Lastly, I also like the Swedish concept of fika - taking time for coffee, treats and conversations.  The author said fika could be casual catch-up with a friend or a more formal one at work with colleagues.  Whether it's formal or informal, the author said it’s about taking time to switch off for a few minutes and giving yourself a breather. 

I love breathers and they don't even have to include coffee, treats or conversation.  Walking alone is a perfect breather for me. 😎 

The difference between the mindset of the Young versus the Old (lessons from Happiness is a Choice you Make)

When my friends and I talk about the topic of "growing old", we usually joke each other that we have to make sure we won't grow old and grumpy. 😅 But after reading "Happiness is a Choice you Make" by John Leland, it looks like being grumpy is less likely to happen if we have the mindset of the six "Oldest of the old" interviewed by New York journalist Leland.

"Oldest of the old" refers to 85 years old and up, the fastest-growing demographic in the US.  When these people were born more than 80 years ago, their life expectancy was only 60 years old but people have been living longer due to advancements in health, medicine and technology.  Some of them have surpassed their life expectancy by more than 25 years, others by more than 30 years, and a rare breed - by more than 40 years! 😱  That's a lot of unplanned bonus years!

Anyway, so what did Leland discover about the Oldest of the old?
They are happier!  How could that be, right?  They have experienced and are experiencing various kinds of losses - from mobility, vision, hearing and memory, to losing loved ones like spouses, children and peers.   How can they possibly be happier than younger people who have better vision, more physically active, have sharper memory and whose loved ones are still likely to be alive?

The elders' secret?   They found a level of happiness not in their external circumstances but in something they carried with them.  Of course, no one wants to lose mobility or lose loved ones but they made a choice on how to process their losses.  They can either focus on what they’ve lost or focus on the life they currently have and they choose the latter.  

Gerontologists call this selective optimization with compensation.  In short - old people spend their dwindling time and energy on the things they can still do that give them satisfaction and not on lamenting on those they once did but now cannot.  Older people make the most with what they have left and compensate for what they have lost.

What are the other differences between the old and the young based on the book?

The old find happiness in the now while the young hinge it to the future.  The old take satisfaction on what is available right now versus the young who look into the future.  But as the elders remind us, the danger in hinging it to the future is that the future might not come.

One of the elders shared:
Anxieties about work, marital strains, money worries, time conflicts, day to day stress, these were the things that kept me up at night or made me unhappy (when I was young).... The future is so far away and you don’t know what would happen to you and the world. So when you’re young, you have more worries than the elderly ...but I dont worry now.   Imagine that - to be free of the future - meaning the sum of all things that probably wont happen minus the one that will...

The old have a greater sense of contentment.  Knowing they face a limited time in front of them, they focus their energies on things that give them pleasure in the moment whereas young people with long horizons seek out new experiences that may or may not pay off down the line. Young people fret about things they don’t have and might need later. Old people winnow the things they have to the few that they most enjoy. Young people kiss frogs hoping they will turn into their princes; old people kiss their grandchildren.

Incidentally, people who score high in wisdom are more content with their lives.  By wisdom, it refers to 3 dimensional wisdom scale namely:
Cognitive - ability to understand life
Reflective - ability to look at life at different perspectives
Affective - emotional wisdom

The old are "happy in spite of" vs the young who are "happy if only".   "Happy in spite of" means old people made a choice to be happy.   They acknowledge problems but they don't put them in the way of contentment.  Happiness for them is not the absence of pain or loss (because they have lots of those) but in their acceptance of these.   Whereas, "happy if only" - among the young - pins happiness on outside circumstances e.g. if only I had money, if only I had less pain, if only I have a nicer house, I’ll be happy...

None of the old spoke about professional accomplishments.   This was a big surprise for Leland considering we spend much of our lives working or obsessing about work, he explains.  Nor did the elders mention about obstacles they had overcome.  Leland observes that somehow these things which are a measure of life when you're younger, no longer seem to be a measure of life when you're older (in my case, work has never been a measure of my life so I guess I am innately old 😂).    Instead, the elders mostly talked about their families and their close relationships.

The old also ask existential questions like - Did my life matter? Was my time well-spent? What did I mean to others? What can I look back on with pride? Did I love the right people?  

Knowing that time is finite makes the old have better clarity on what's important.  Neurologist, Oliver Sacks, upon learning that he had terminal cancer of the liver wrote that the nearness of death gave him a sudden clear focus.   Some cancer patients also shared that cancer is the best thing that ever happened to them as they experienced such clarity.  I like the question which Leland posed on this topic. He asked - How can we live in this heightened state all our lives without the blessing of terminal cancer to remind us that life is a great unearned gift?

One of the elders observed that there are a lot of people disengaged from life.  He shared - "I grew up with no radio, no electricity, no tv, no music, no photographs... I saw my fist movie when I was 14.... One could live to 200 but yet I see some young people 20 years old and seem to be bored already with life and some of them cannot stand it." 😢

But none of the elders (at least from what I remember) want to live forever.

As a final note, Leland said that the 6 elders reminded him that time is both limited and really amazing.  The challenge, he said, is how to live on the way to the bend.  So often we measure the day by what we do with it - cure cancer, surf in Maui .. and overlook what is truly miraculous which is the arrival of another day.   Enjoy it or not, the day doesn’t care. But if u miss it, it won’t be back again.

P.S.   At the end of the audiobook, there were short voice clips of the interviews with the elders. One was asked - What drives you?   One 94-year old woman said - I love my plants. I love to watch them grow and bloom. I love to read.  Uh-oh. That sounds so much like me. 😂

Our real motivation? The law of least effort (do what is easy and convenient)

We often hear that motivation is key to habit change meaning if you really want it, you would be motivated to actually do it.  But after finishing Atomic Habits by James Clear, I couldn't agree more to a surprising thing he said which goes -

The truth is, our true motivation is to be lazy and to do what is convenient. It is human nature to follow the law of least effort...  People are wired to do what is convenient and easy... Among all possible actions, the one that is realized is the one that brings the most value for the least amount of effort... We are motivated to do what is easy.  😅

So true for me especially when it comes to exercise! 🙈

I only do physical activities which are convenient and easy, and I enjoy doing (translation: swimming, brisk-walking, stretching and 1-minute planks 😂).  And I only do anywhere from 15 mins to 1 hour a day so I do not strain my muscles too much. You know why?  Because if I over-workout, there is a risk that I may come up with an excuse that my body still needs to recover from the previous day's workout so I have to skip until my body fully recovers (or more like until I feel like doing it again).🙊😂   I know myself too well to know what kind of lame justifications I would make just to skip working out. 🙈😂   When you're self-aware and admit what's wrong with you, it's easier to design fool-proof plans that are harder to break. 😜

I know "easy and convenient" for an exercise may make one sound like an underachiever (ahem...) but guess what? According to Atomic Habits, the more energy required, the least likely it will occur.

For example, if you do 100 pushups a day, in the beginning when you are excited, you could probably do that but after a while, it may feel exhausting, Clear said.  But if you were to do just a few pushups a day which require very little effort, it is most likely you’ll do it again.  Make your habits easy and convenient so that you will do them even if you don't feel like doing them, Clear advised.

In short, it's better to start with small habits which you can sustain versus immediately doing difficult ones which you'll end up avoiding or giving up because they feel like a chore or challenge.  The secret is to always stay below the point where it feels like it’s work or before it feels like it’s a hassle, Clear said.   See, my underachiever exercise level makes sense after all. 😂 

You still don't believe that we are wired to do what is easy and convenient?   Think about your current daily habits -  browsing through social media feeds, playing games, watching random videos - most of them are habits that require very little energy or almost no effort. 😎   But in my case, I don't do any of these coz I'd rather do the ultimate easy and convenient habit if I'm already done for the day which is - <drum roll> - sleep! 😂

The big difference between "being in motion" and "taking action"

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When we set ourselves to do something and start working on it, we think we are taking action to achieve the results but guess what? Sometimes, what we’re doing is not yet the real action that would help us achieve the outcome but we’re just simply preparing for the goal or just being in motion towards the goal.

What does that mean? “Being in motion” vs “taking action” sound similar but they are not the same according to Atomic Habits by James Clear.

When you’re in motion, it pertains to planning, strategizing and learning. These are all good but they don’t produce the results.  It’s the action that delivers the outcome. 

For example, if you brainstorm for possible topics for an article, that’s motion. If you write an article, that’s action.
If you research about healthy meals and recipes, that’s motion. If you eat a healthy meal, that’s action.
If you analyze data from a campaign, that’s motion. If you optimize a campaign, that’s action.
If you talk and listen to a mentor and reflect about the advice, that’s motion. If you apply the learnings from your mentor in real life situations, that’s action.

Being in motion is generally good but as Clear points out, it will never produce an outcome by itself. Why? Because it doesn’t matter how many times you consult a mentor, this motion will never improve your performance if you never apply any of the learnings from your mentor. It doesn’t matter how many times you talk to a gym trainor, that motion will never get you into shape until you actually do the exercises or eat the diet the trainor recommended.

Thus, there is some danger on being in motion as it can lead us to procrastination because being in motion can make us believe that we’re making progress and that we’re getting things done but in reality, we’re just “preparing” to get something done.

I’ve never thought about it this way but it does makes sense. For most of the things we said we’re going to do and we never get around doing, maybe we’re stuck in the motion phase and fool ourselves into believing that we’re actually doing something but in reality, everything we’ve been doing is just being in motion and preparation. Tsk...tsk...  It's time to review and reflect.  😬

The secret to having self-discipline and self-control

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Do you think the reason why you can’t build and maintain good habits is because you lack the self-discipline? That maybe a myth because according to the book Atomic Habits by James Clear, there is no difference between people who appear to have self-control and those who don’t. He says that people who are most self-disciplined are just better in structuring themselves in this way, they spend less time in tempting situations which doesn’t require self-control. It’s easier to use self-restraint when you don’t have to use it often. Makes sense, right?

So the way to improve ourselves is not by wishing we had more self-control but by creating a more disciplined environment.

To build good habits, we need to make the cues for the habits highly visible and obvious and reset our place so that the environment is friction-less to perform the good habits.  For example, if you want to develop an exercise habit, bring out your rubber shoes and whatever you need for your workout the night before. 

If you want to eat healthy, have ready-to-eat pre-cut fruits in your fridge so there’s healthy food available any time you want to eat.

If you want to develop a writing habit, have your writing materials ready on your desk everyday.

If you want to regularly go to the gym, find a gym that is close to your home or office. Distance would create friction since traveling requires extra effort.

Or whatever good habit you want to build, join a group where your desired behavior is the normal behavior. After all, according to the Atomic Habits, we tend to imitate the habits of 3 social groups namely the close (friends), the many (the tribes) and the powerful (those with status and prestige).

In the same way, if we want to stop bad habits, we need to increase friction so we don’t end up doing them or simply avoid tempting situations.  For example, if you want to lessen time watching tv, unplug it after every use and remove the batteries of the remote control, so it takes a lot of effort before you can use the tv.

 
If you want to lessen time spent on social media, log out every time you use it or change passwords frequently that chances are, you won’t remember the last password and have to reset the password every time you use social media.  Or to add another level of friction, uninstall the app after every use and reinstall it every time you need to use it.  

If you are trying to lose weight, stop hanging out with friends who love to eat out.  Just do other activities with them that doesn’t involve eating or you can meet them for coffee or tea instead. 

The key to self-discipline is we have to redesign our life so that the habits that benefit us are the easiest to do and the habits that don’t add value to our life are the most difficult to do.  

It's great to know that self-discipline doesn’t require superpowers after all (yay!😅) - but that is only if we don’t subject ourselves to the wrong cues and tempting situations.