I get shocked when I hear about the summer schedules of my friends' kids. Ballet and swimming classes on Monday, reading and karate classes on Tuesday, math and golf lessons on Wednesday... The daily schedules of kids are so packed! What ever happened to having free time in summer??? 😬 Times have really changed!When I was a kid, summer meant freedom - lots of free time to play and to be idle. I could sleep longer in the morning (provided I made my bed) and do whatever activities at home (play, watch tv, read, do arts & crafts activities using improvised materials like fabric swatches, scrap papers, etc.). We were also made to do some household chores even if there was house help. In the afternoon, after merienda time (and usually after we have memorized prayers which my mom wanted us to memorize! 😅), we played street games with our neighbors or go biking around the village. Lots of free, unstructured time.
During school season, we were not allowed to watch tv (except on weekends) and I did my own homework and rarely asked my parents for help (this was at a time when there was no internet yet). I was also never pressured by my parents to make it to the honor roll. As long as I was doing my best, they said it was ok (though on hindsight, I didn't really give my best all the time coz sleep was more important for me so there were lots of times I submitted mediocre homeworks! 😬). But I would like to think that I grew up ok. I got by and survived when it was time for me to be alone in the real world.
After reading "How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare your Kid for Success" by Julie Lythcott-Haims, I realized that there is great value to the free, unstructured time I enjoyed as a kid, the chores I was made to do even if I felt they were such a burden and waste of time coz it's time away from playing 🙈, and the independence I was given to manage my own schoolwork.
According to the book -
If from the time you’re born, your options are dictated for you and all your decisions are made for u and then you are cast out into the world to go to college, its like a country under colonial rule. It falls apart when it gains independence. They get to college and don't know why they are there or ought to be doing there. They are lost.
When parents do the life stuff for kids - waking up, transporting, reminding deadlines and obligations, bill-paying, question-asking, decision-making, the responsibility-taking, talking to strangers, confronting of authorities, kids may be quite in for a shock when parents turn them loose in a world of college or work. They will experience setbacks which would feel to them like a failure. They wouldn’t be good at that coz they haven’t had much practice at failure. How do they cope with -
- room mate who has a different sense of clean?
- a professor who wants the paper revised but not necessarily say what is wrong?
- a friend who isn’t being friendly anymore?
- a choice between doing summer seminar or service project?
- have real difficulty handling disagreement, hurt feelings, decision-making process?
The author quoted a certain Dr Abel who said “When children aren’t given the space to struggle through things on their own, they don’t learn how to problem-solve very well, they don’t learn to be confident with their own abilities and can affect their self-esteem. The other problem with never having to struggle is you never experience failure and can develop an overwhelming fear of failure or of disappointing others. Both a low self-confidence and the fear of failure can lead to depression or anxiety.
No wonder there is a higher incidence of depression and anxiety among kids nowadays. During my generation, this is unheard of. I have never heard of any cases of depression nor suicide attempts. At the most, you'll have one or 2 classmates who would be sad or you'll find crying but they wouldn't keep the reason for their sadness to themselves. They would tell their closest friends why they are sad like their parents are separating or have separated, or a parent is leaving to work overseas. It was also rare for any of us to go to the guidance counsellor.
BTW, I'm not married nor am I a parent but I listened to this audiobook coz I like talking to kids and I have a lot of inaanaks (godchildren). Twenty-nine of them. 😅 But if you're a parent, this book offers really good advice. The author, Lythcott-Haims, was Dean of Freshmen and Undergraduate Advising for more than a decade at Stanford University so she has seen a lot of the struggles of young adults as a result of overparenting. And the stories are really heart-breaking because you know that parents only have the best intentions for their kids but sadly, what they thought was the best for their kids was also what broke their kids' spirits, paralyzed them and suck out the joy from their lives, and sometimes, even caused them to commit suicides.
Anyway, here are the key takeaways for parents from the book -
To know if you might be overparenting and unwittingly causing psychologically harm to your kids, ask these questions:
No wonder there is a higher incidence of depression and anxiety among kids nowadays. During my generation, this is unheard of. I have never heard of any cases of depression nor suicide attempts. At the most, you'll have one or 2 classmates who would be sad or you'll find crying but they wouldn't keep the reason for their sadness to themselves. They would tell their closest friends why they are sad like their parents are separating or have separated, or a parent is leaving to work overseas. It was also rare for any of us to go to the guidance counsellor.
BTW, I'm not married nor am I a parent but I listened to this audiobook coz I like talking to kids and I have a lot of inaanaks (godchildren). Twenty-nine of them. 😅 But if you're a parent, this book offers really good advice. The author, Lythcott-Haims, was Dean of Freshmen and Undergraduate Advising for more than a decade at Stanford University so she has seen a lot of the struggles of young adults as a result of overparenting. And the stories are really heart-breaking because you know that parents only have the best intentions for their kids but sadly, what they thought was the best for their kids was also what broke their kids' spirits, paralyzed them and suck out the joy from their lives, and sometimes, even caused them to commit suicides.
Anyway, here are the key takeaways for parents from the book -
To know if you might be overparenting and unwittingly causing psychologically harm to your kids, ask these questions:
- Are you doing for your kids what they can already do for themselves?
- Are you doing for your kids what they can almost do for themselves?
- Is your parenting behavior motivated by your ego?
The book says if you are doing one of these ways, you deprive kids of the opportunity to be creative, problem-solve, to develop coping skills, build resilience, to figure out what makes them happy, to figure who they are. They may result to short term gains but it's also like telling your kid this - "Kid, you can't actually do any of these without me."
Life Skills your kids should learn by age category
Age 2 to 3 - Age when your kids have to start learning life skills
- Do small chores and basic grooming
- Do small chores and basic grooming
Age 3
- Should be able to help put toys away
- Dress himself with some help from you
- Put used clothes in hamper when he undresses
- Clears his plate after meals
- Assist in setting the table
- Brush his teeth and wash face with assistance
Ages 4 to 5
- Know her full name, address and phone number
- Know how to make an emergency call
- Perform simple cleaning chores e.g dusting, clearing table after meals
- Feed pets
- Identify monetary denominations and basic concept of how money is used
- How to brush teeth, comb hair and wash face without assistance
- Help with basic laundry chores e.g. bringing dirty clothes to laundry area
Choose own clothes to wear
Age 6 to 7
- Help cook meals
- Learn how to mix, stir and cut
- Make basic meal like sandwich
- Help put groceries away
- Wash dishes
- Straighten bathroom after using it
- Make bed without assistance
- Bathe unsupervised
- Learn how to mix, stir and cut
- Make basic meal like sandwich
- Help put groceries away
- Wash dishes
- Straighten bathroom after using it
- Make bed without assistance
- Bathe unsupervised
Age 8 to 9
- Fold clothes
- Learn simple sewing
- Care for outdoor toys such as bikes
- Take care of personal hygiene without being told to do so
- Use broom and dustpan properly
- Follow a recipe and prepare a simple meal
- Prepare grocery list
- Count and make change
- Take written phone messages
- Weeding and watering plants
- Take out trash
Age 10 to 13 - Age of gaining independence
- Stay home alone
- Go to store alone and make purchases by himself
- Change own bedsheet
- Use washing machine and dryer
- Prepare meal with several ingredients
- Use stove to boil and bake foods
Read food labels
Iron clothes
Look after younger siblings
Age 14 yo 18
- Perform more sophisticated cleaning and maintenance chores - cleaning stove, unclogging drains
- Put gas in car
- Change tire
- Read and understand med labels and dosages
- Interview and get a job
- Prepare and cook meal
- Perform more sophisticated cleaning and maintenance chores - cleaning stove, unclogging drains
- Put gas in car
- Change tire
- Read and understand med labels and dosages
- Interview and get a job
- Prepare and cook meal
Young adults - Age of preparing to live on his own
- Make regular and dentist appointments and other health-related appointments
- Have basic understanding of finances and manage bank acct, balance checkbook, pay bills, use credit contract
- Understand simple contracts like apartment lease, car lease
- Schedule oil change and car maintenance
- Make regular and dentist appointments and other health-related appointments
- Have basic understanding of finances and manage bank acct, balance checkbook, pay bills, use credit contract
- Understand simple contracts like apartment lease, car lease
- Schedule oil change and car maintenance
And if you have children who are about to become young adults, here are the list of the most important life skills you need to help them develop so they would be able to cope well when they are out in the real world:
1. Must be able to talk to strangers, deans, faculty, landlords, mechanics bank tellers, bus drivers, etc. The problem is parents tell kids not to talk to strangers. Parents should teach them how to discern good strangers from the bad ones.
2. Must be able to find his way around campus, town, city where he is interning and studying. The problem is parents keep driving them.
3. Must be able to manage
his own assignments and workload and deadlines. Parents remind kids about
when the homeworks are due and when to do it. Sometimes parents help them do
it and sometimes they even do it for them. The result? Kids don't know how to
prioritize tasks and manage workload and meet regular deadlines without reminders.
4. Must be able to contribute to the running of a household. The problem is parents don't ask them to help run the household.
5. Must
be able to handle interpersonal problems. The problem is parents step in to solve
misunderstandings and soothe hurt feelings for them, thus, kids don’t know how to
cope with and resolve conflicts without the parents' intervention.
6. Must be able to cope with ups and downs of courses and workloads, competition, tough teachers, and bosses. The problem is parents step in when it gets hard, finish the task, extend the deadline and talk to the adults. Kids don’t know that in the normal course of life, things wont always go their way and that they’ll be ok regardless.
6. Must be able to cope with ups and downs of courses and workloads, competition, tough teachers, and bosses. The problem is parents step in when it gets hard, finish the task, extend the deadline and talk to the adults. Kids don’t know that in the normal course of life, things wont always go their way and that they’ll be ok regardless.
7. Must earn and manage money. The problem is kids receive
money from parents for whatever they want and need, thus, they don’t develop a
sense of responsibility for completing job tasks, accountability to a
boss who doesn’t inherently love them, or appreciation for the cost of
goods and how to manage money.
8. Must be able to take risks. The problem is parents have laid out the entire path and have prevented all pitfalls thus kids don't develop to understand consequences, hindering them from developing resilience and grit.
Enrichment classes in academics, sports lessons and talent development classes are all good for a kid's future but life skills are also equally important if you want kids to successfully get through life's problems, challenges, difficult people and failures on their own.
8. Must be able to take risks. The problem is parents have laid out the entire path and have prevented all pitfalls thus kids don't develop to understand consequences, hindering them from developing resilience and grit.
Enrichment classes in academics, sports lessons and talent development classes are all good for a kid's future but life skills are also equally important if you want kids to successfully get through life's problems, challenges, difficult people and failures on their own.
